I'm a watcher
by Pearlislove
Summary: When it comes to Steven, Garnet's always been a watcher (Garnets POV studie of Steven and Garnet's relationship. A/N inside)


**A/N:**

 **Soooo, this is the first of a new series of oneshots I'm doing where we look at Steven through the eyes of all the people aorund him (mainly the gems)**

 **Starting with Garnet, we'll then conti nue with Pearl**

 **Please favourite and review!**

I'm not a good mother. I know that. Amethyst, Pearl and Greg know that.

But what can I say? Gems is not _supposed_ to be mothers, we are grown harvested and put to work. We don't have this never ending _process_ of growing up...still, it come so naturally to all the others… Or well, it comes naturally to Pearl. Greg and Amethyst is just making it by best they can, letting Pearl pick up what they lack. Noone even ask me to help, they let me stand on the outside and watch. Watching, seem to be the only thing I do now.

Watching Pearl trying to cope without Rose, failing a thousand times (oh how many times did I have to save her when she was falling to far down?) before she finally start to move on. Before she finally learned to do it right, and be okay.

Watching Amethyst and Greg trying to pick up themselves, feeling the need to move on quickly so that they could properly provide for Steven as soon as possible (I knew that they weren't coping, just pushing it aside, but Steven needed them and I said nothing).

Watching Vidalia come in and take over when Greg and Amethyst finally reach the limits of their abilities, taking care of him alongside her own little toddler, Sour Cream, on those nights when Amethyst and Greg _just can't do it anymore_ (not even then, they ask for my help, not even though I'm standing right there...).

Watching Pearl finally come around when Steven is three years old and accidentally calls Amethyst 'mom'. I saw it on her, how much she wanted to cry and scream and hate him, but she couldn't. She couldn't disregard such a fragile little thing, a creature in such obvious need of _protection._ Pearl came around, and it took less than half a year before Steven called her too 'mom'.

That's when I saw, that things were going to be okay. I was still on the outside; never had Steven called me mom (oh how I hoped one day he would!), never had he showed me the same appreciation as the others...he loved me then, and he love me now, that i've always known, but yet I've been hoping one day he'd look at me the same way he look at his father, at Pearl and at Amethyst (but you realise it's your fault too, don't you?).

Maybe it's because Amethyst and Pearl doesn't think I can love someone else, that being made of Love make you unable to love.

Maybe it's because I didn't hold Steven in my arms, until he was well over one year old. Vidalia had been in such a rush, trying to make some food for Steven and dealing with a fussing Sour Cream at the same time… I had been happening to be sitting there in a corner of her cramped little kitchen (we made a rule to let her help but never leave her all alone with him), and she just dumped him in my lap, no explanation needed (she thought, I didn't even know what happened before he was laying there). When he landed, I flinched. I feel ashamed to admit it now, but I was so afraid, so startled and simply _terrified_ that I _flinched_.

Sometimes, I wonder, if Vidalia knew, that it was the first time. If she knew I had never held Steven before, too afraid of all the millions of futures where my big, strong, rough hands made for war and killing and grinding gems into dust would crush his tiny infant body if I even came close to touching him. That I would have to add him to the already unimaginably long list of regrets which I carry in the back of my mind always.

But I didn't crush him, after all, and after that, it was a little easier. A little easier to offer to put Steven to bed so Amethyst could have a nap. A little easier to offer to make him so formula when he was fussing in the middle of the night. After all, Greg and Amethyst didn't do well without their sleep, and Pearl became Neurotic if she wasn't provided some time to herself. Only _I_ didn't need any of that, didn't need to be asleep or be alone because I could so easily return into myself. It was only logical I'd handle Steven when he was fussing at night, so the others could sleep and get time to themselves. Slowly, I started to trying a nd be a part of everything, in what little way I could. But it was hard, whenever I had Steven sitting in my lap or crawling on my stomach, being ever so careful that he wouldn't hurt himself, because someone would always come to pick him up and remove him. Sometimes, it'd be Greg with his ever polite approach ('Here, let me take care of that, Garnet'), Pearl with her nervous ways stumbling and mumbling apologies ('I'm so so sorry if he bothered you Garnet!') or Amethyst with her harsh comments (Yo, G,would give him to me already?). The only time noone thought to remove him from me, was at night, when their own needs won over weariness and instincts.

And as such, with no one wanting me to be there with Steven, to touch him and to _love_ him the way all of them do, I would always remain a watcher; always seeing and hearing things but never _doing anything_.


End file.
